A lot of what you said is what he writes about in UP: that it’s very important for children to know that they are loved no matter who they are or what they do. Good job specifically is given as an example because it’s so common and so overused. It also doesn’t give the child any information about why it’s a good job. He gives some good reasons behind it and research on that specifically in the article I linked.

For example, rather than saying good job when Meredith uses the potty, I will say something like, “you peed in the potty!” Or she is learning to throw balls and quite proud of herself, and when she threw one particularly far I said: “Wow, that sure went a long way that time”. It sounds like it might be kind of forced or fake sounding when I write it down, but when I actually say it in the moment it actually comes quite naturally. I like this much better than good job because it’s not a judgment, and it lets her know what I thought or liked about something. It can be used instead of “bad job” too. “Oops, you peed on the floor, let’s clean that up.” Again, no judgment, it’s not bad, and there’s no manipulation or coercion involved (if she doesn’t want to help clean it up I do it myself, but normally she will help).

I also want to avoid comparing her to other people around her. Comparing baby’s milestones seems to be so pervasive in our society, but it’s silly, since all babies will do things at their own rate and it doesn’t make one better than another. When I was younger, I could not bring a good mark home without my mom asking if it was the highest mark in the class, and if it wasn’t she would want to know why I didn’t get the best mark and joke about being ashamed of me. It may have been only a joke, but I don’t think she realized how much it hurt me. Plus, I was a praise junkie and she never gave her approval in these cases, making it even worse for me. (This is also a reason that we won’t be sending Meredith to a school that uses grades. They are not only a judgment, but also set kids up against each other. Luckily there are a lot of options in Victoria if we decide not to home school.)

I think it is about maintaining a self supporting atmosphere of acceptance, and catching ourselves if we ever regress in our behaviour to judge another as ‘not good enough’. When this happens, we can choose to shift our perspective toward understanding that a child’s actions are not a reflection of who they are, but rather an unescapable learning process wherein they will find their way, and along that path, make mistakes. I think we would all agree we wouldn’t want to love and accept our kids any less when these attempts swing toward less pleasant behavior.

Again, haven’t read the book yet, but I think I get the jist enough to post this. I agreed avidly with the idea that when a child is told “good girl/boy” or “good job”, that the emotions triggered are those of pleasing, of wanting to be accepted, and ultimately, approval. The opposite, like is being suggested, is that in the absense of this positive reinforcement, the child feels they may then not be good, or be doing well. And this is where Buzz didn’t agree.

His point was interesting. To add my own bit for reference sake – our parents are of a generation that is known to have been raised in an atmosphere of “not good enough”. It simply didn’t matter how hard they tried, there was always room for improvement. Anything that was done should have, or atleast could have, been done better. It has created an entire generation of low self esteem. I open myself up for correction here, but this is what I have read, and what I see. Then these people went on to raise us, and though the status quo for child rearing had shifted slightly toward a more free self expression and less structure/discipline, there was still a handing down of “try harder and we’ll see how you do”. Don’t know about you, actually, I do. An example is your family’s vaccuuming chore. At one point you mentioned that if you didn’t do it according to your parents’ standards, whatever that was, you had to do it again. So, unless you heard them affirm your efforts with “good girl” or “good job”, you could likely assume you didn’t pass the grade. Another example I know well is where I’d somehow be in trouble for something I hadn’t done, or somehow not fullfilled an expectation I didn’t know about. This left me in trouble without understanding, and so swallowed by feelings of abandonment, I’d reach out at any opportunity to hear that I was doing something right, again, affirmed by some positive comment.

This is not normal!! It may be the way we (and I use “we” here carefully) were raised, but our conditioned responses to positive reinforcement by feeling temporarily safe knowing for the moment we’re doing things right, and then getting insecure about ourselves once the reinforcement stops, is not normal.

Again, this is my/Buzz’ take, I’m interested in your response.

My point is this. The WAY we parent can exclude this drama all together. Buzz says that he is not interested in ever giving Zalen a reason to believe he’s not good enough. He is being raised with the assumption that he is perfect in his own expression, whatever form that may take. This leaves Zalen comfortable in his own skin, not searching for approval because he always has it. Period. Unconditional love you might say – and that means, without condition.

To teach him boundaries can be done by helping him understand the principles we encourage, and he will learn to find his balance within these by trying things out and seeing what fits. To tell him he’s doing a good job simply means he’s doing a good job. That doesn’t automatically mean when he doesn’t do it, he’s no good. He should have no reason to consider himself no good, no matter what, if we haven’t ever presented that option. As we learn, we try things. Some work, some not so much. That is the lesson. That is not a judgement on the PERSON trying their options and deciding on their course of action from hereon forward.

I have to say, it’s been a soul search to catch up to Buzz on this one, but I agree with him. I have much to release from my own childhood to remove the insecurities placed in my personality by past experiences. I choose to raise Zalen in an environment where questioning himself as ‘good enough’ for some external opinion is not of importance. I think to concern one’s self with the perspective/judgement of another is a dying belief system, insofar as to change one’s ways for the sole purpose of gaining another person’s acceptance. We both choose to only entertain the given that Zalen is a good person, no matter how he expresses himself on his journey to discover this world he’s a part of, and his place in it.

Does that make sense? This is an expansive topic.. Looking forward to your feedback. Brigitte.

PS.. THANK YOU for bringing this up. It’s been a very important conversation for Buzz and I to have!

We need to get together again soon!

Thanks again for the post. This stuff could be taught in parenting classes. I bet there would be a surprising demand from parents who really want to make some beneficial changes to the way children are raised in these more aware times.

Thanks Annie!

It’s not that I look for praise now as much as I did when I was younger but I do have times when I think “why hasn’t anybody noticed I did _____” and I think getting approval is a bad reason to do ANYTHING.

Annie

UP was definitely influential to me. I kept comparing it to how I felt growing up (I was always a “good” kid and the “smart” kid), and it really helped explain a lot about myself so it was kind of healing for me as well.