Living in Harmony

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
-Chinese Proverb

I read somewhere once that children are redirected or told no on average every nine seconds. Now, I have no idea how this stat came to be, because how would you study that? But anyway, it’s an interesting thought nonetheless. Imagine being at work and having your boss tell you you’re doing it wrong or trying to show you how to do it better every nine seconds. I think most of us would go insane and/or quit pretty quickly.

We wanted to avoid having to be constantly saying no to Meredith, but more and more babyproofing seemed like the wrong direction to go too. We don’t have baby gates even though we have stairs, only a few of our outlets have the little safety things in them (and Meredith can pull them out easier than I can anyway, since I don’t have nails), our stereo equipment is at ground level, and we don’t have locks on our cupboard doors. I kept meaning to babyproof, I felt that not doing so was a recipe for disaster. But as time went on, it started to seem so unnecessary.

So how to avoid saying no while still keeping Meredith and our belongings safe and not excessively baby proofing? It’s actually really simple. We let her learn what to do while remaining nearby in case we’re needed. We make sure we’re very aware of where she is and what she’s doing, as well as anything around her that could be dangerous (or that she could be too rough with without meaning to).

The stairs are a perfect example. She started crawling at 6 months and was interested in the stairs right away. We let her experiment on them as much as she wanted and were right nearby in case of a fall, especially at first. And she did fall a few times, though she never hurt herself as we would catch her and comfort her if needed and then she would normally want to try again. We didn’t push her to learn it, or try and set her on the stairs every day, or move her arms and legs through the motions to try and teach her how, we just let her go at her own pace and figure it out on her own. She learned pretty quickly how to get up the stairs and rarely fell. (The video is of her around 6 1/2 months, but it’s not a great video because I’m spotting her while I film.) Around 8 months she figured out how to get down the stairs (again, on her own).

I think for me, the biggest problem with baby proofing is that it doesn’t teach a child how to handle a situation should the baby proofing fail. What if you forgot to put the baby gate up but assumed it was there? Or your child can pull outlet covers out? Or you left your glasses on the table where your child can reach them? I’m of the opinion that it is much safer to rely on your child and yourself to keep your child safe than to rely on devices that could be forgotten, break, or fail in some other way.

Obviously, this doesn’t mean I would give Meredith a knife and point her at an outlet and let her see what happens. And there are times when “no” or redirection are definitely appropriate. But telling her she can’t touch our DVD player when she sees us using it frequently just makes it seem even more desirable to her. Instead, letting her play with the buttons while being supervised, explaining that food and drinks shouldn’t be near it, and helping her discover how it works keep it safe while honoring her desire to participate in something she sees us doing. Now we can ask her to turn it on or off for us if she’s nearby, and she has figured out the volume controls as well. My parents tell stories about sandwiches ending up in their VCR. We have shown Meredith how to put DVD’s in the player and she doesn’t seem to have any desire to put anything else in there. My belief is that kids do things like putting sandwiches in VCR’s because they see us putting things in and want to do what we do, not because they’re trying to cause trouble or make us mad.

This can be applied to all sorts of situations. I feel it’s far better to let children explore and learn at their own pace, giving them information or guidance only as needed. In doing so, I’ve discovered that she’s surprisingly gentle with books, careful with dishes, and she will even clean up after herself after playing with water on the floor. There are things, like my expensive camera, that I don’t want her playing with. But if I leave my camera in her reach and she finds it, even then I don’t immediately wrench it out of her grasp. I’ll ask her for it, and often she will hand it to me and go on with something else. The times when she really wants to play with it, I will sit her on my lap and let her put the lens cap on and off or press some buttons while I watch, and then when she’s bored I put it up out of the way and make a mental note to myself not to leave it in her reach again.

When my instinct is to say no or stop something Meredith is doing, I try and ask myself why and then look for ways to allow her to continue while relieving my own worries (or, in some cases, just realizing that my concerns are a gut reaction that may not even be true). Is it because I don’t want her to make a mess? If I’m really adverse to cleaning up a mess at that time, maybe I could relocate what she’s doing to the bathtub or into the sink. (Though honestly, mostly I don’t mind the messes at all.) Am I worried she will hurt herself? Is there some way I can make it safer? etc.

Helping children discover how to handle themselves in various situations is better in the long run than just trying to avoid those situations until some abitrary age in the future when the children are “old enough”. And when they’re allowed to explore and shown how to safely use these things, it means they’re less likely to damage something or hurt themselves later on when faced with a similar situation.

Posted on November 18th, 2008 by AttachedMama
Filed under: Consensual Living | 4 Comments »

I have started a few posts and then not actually finished them or hit publish over the last few days. I just don’t really feel like I have much interesting to say right now. But now Meredith is sleeping and I tried to lie down with her and she wouldn’t sleep, so I’m staring at this and just going to type whatever comes out and then publish it, ha!

Meredith’s lip is looking tons better. A week later and it’s almost healed already. It’s amazing how fast kids heal. We’ve been a little paranoid about her falling as I was worried even a small bump would break it open again, but already I think it’s past the point where that’s a danger anymore.

She still amazes me all the time with how much she learns just from watching us, how sweet she is (always giving us or the pets hugs and kisses), how big her personality is, how cooperative she can be… We were in my bedroom this afternoon and my closet door was open. I have a bunch of scrapbooking supplies and papers on the floor in the closet. She was happily playing while I laid on the bed reading. I looked over and she was beelining for the scrapbooking stuff. I called her name, and when she looked over I smiled and asked if she could please not play with my scrapbooking stuff. She pointed to the sock basket that was nearby, and I said that she could play as much as she wanted with them, and that was that. She never even glanced at the scrapbooking stuff again.

A little later she picked up a bread tie that had fallen to the ground. I asked her, politely, if I could have it. If she had refused or said no, I would have let her keep it and just watched to make sure it didn’t end up in her mouth. But she didn’t even hesitate, she just handed it to me. I thanked her, put it back on the bread, and continued on. Sometimes she gives me things but then wants them back, and I will often give it back to her, wanting her to learn that giving something to someone doesn’t necessarily mean it will disappear.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always so easy. It’s just that it’s rarely as hard as some parents make it out to be either. She is cooperative most of the time, if I give her the chance to be, and I feel that she wants me to be happy because she loves me and not because she’s afraid of what would happen if I’m not happy. Of course, we haven’t hit the two’s yet, but I’m really looking forward to them.

Posted on November 11th, 2008 by AttachedMama
Filed under: Consensual Living | 2 Comments »

Meredith split her lip last night. Poor baby. She was playing with Kris on a hill and fell and bit right through her lip. Both sides were bleeding and today it’s very puffy. We were a bit on the fence on whether to take her to the ER for stitches, but it stopped bleeding pretty quickly and is actually a fairly small cut. I posted a picture for some friends and they agreed that wait and see was probably the best approach. Stitches here for a child as young as her mean being strapped to a board and held down. It sounds traumatizing for both of us. Of course if I thought it was necessary I wouldn’t hesitate to do it anyway. I’m not sure it could be stitched anyway where it is, and then I’d also have to try and stop her from playing with them. I am a little worried about scarring, but stitches don’t necessarily prevent scarring either.

Kris’ sister got a very bad burn on her face when she was around Meredith’s age. The doctors told his mom that she would have permanent scars because of it. Kris’ mom used vitamin E oil on it every day and it healed faster than the doctors expected and with no scarring. Maybe it wasn’t the vitamin E oil, maybe his sister just has really great skin (and if so I hope Meredith got her skin), but regardless I think I’m going to pick some up today.

Last night:

This morning:

You can see in the picture how red her nose is. She obviously hit that too though luckily it wasn’t bleeding at all. That picture doesn’t really show how puffy her lip is. The area inside where she bit it is very white. It looks like the world’s worst canker sore.

Things like this make me so glad I still nurse her though. She was sobbing last night, and I quickly cleaned it up a little bit to see how bad it was, gave her Arnica, then started nursing. The nursing calmed her down enough that we could clean it up better while she nursed and get a better picture of whether we should be heading to ER. A lot of people don’t know this, but the act of nursing produces hormones in the baby that act as pain relief. Breast milk has antibiotic properties, so was probably great to help clean the cuts inside and out of her mouth.

Once she was calmer and had nursed her fill, we gave her some frozen blueberries to try and help with the swelling (she wouldn’t let us near it with ice). We ended up giving her some Motrin too, as it was obvious she was still in pain and it was extremely swollen. She slept snuggled into the crook of my arm all night.

Today it doesn’t seem to be bothering her, though it’s still pretty swollen. I wish things like this didn’t happen to our babies.

Posted on November 5th, 2008 by AttachedMama
Filed under: Natural Living | 4 Comments »

I’ve been really bad about keeping my blog up to date. Hopefully I still have readers out there! October was really busy for us, though (mostly) a lot of fun too.

We spent Thanksgiving with my relatives in Langley. My mom’s brother, sister, and mother all live there. In particular, I’m very close to one of my aunts (my mom’s brother’s wife, follow that?) and my cousins. My aunt is like a second mom to me, and I’m far more like her than my own mom. She is much more open and understanding about our way of parenting as well. My mom and my sister drove up and met us in Langley.

Then we came back here, and a few days later my mom and sister came over here and stayed for a week. It was nice to see them, but my mom is a bit of a stressful person to be around. She has major mood swings and will sometimes get angry for seemingly no reason. She also seemed to feel the need to micromanage Meredith and was constantly telling her to be gentle with the animals (even if I was standing right there petting the animals with her and she was fine). She also liked to call Meredith a “drama queen” (even when there were very obvious reasons why she was upset) and rolled her eyes when I picked her up or hugged her when she was upset. I’m sorry to say it, but it does make me glad not to live in the same city. Now that I have my own daugher, I also find it sad to think that she was so disconnected from us that she thought we cried so much for no reason. Sometimes I don’t know the reason, but the majority of the time there’s a very obvious reason, be it teething, stress from traveling, etc. My sister was also labeled a drama queen (and still often hears that), and yet my mom will storm off (for no reason that we can figure out!) at times and expect someone to follow her and ask what’s wrong and sympathise with her.

It was great to spend the time with my sister though. I consider her to be one of my best friends and Meredith adored her and at times actually wanted to be with her more than with me! *sniffle*

Halloween was fun. I was visiting with a great friend and her son. It’s so wonderful to spend time with parents who have similar values to me, and her son (who is older than Meredith) is such a sweet kid and in a really fun stage too. We went through baby clothes (she is pregnant) and it was almost enough to make me want another soon-ish. But I’d like to wait a little longer in case my milk dries up or Meredith weans herself while I’m pregnant as children sometimes do. I haven’t got my period back again yet anyway. I don’t want them to be too far apart though!

I got home, and to my surprise a really great friend from Calgary was here, just for the day. Turns out WestJet was doing a special for anyone with the last name Web, Sweet, Candy, or Orange. They could fly for free just the one day, so he came out to visit us. We went to a Halloween party just for a couple of hours, then came back here to hand out candy. I dressed Meredith up and took her out just for about 20 minutes, around our co-op and a little bit next door. She had a great time. Many of the people let her pick out a candy from their bowls, and she would put it in her bag herself and then reach for another and most of them let her have another too. I will have to post some pictures tomorrow if I get a chance. We actually didn’t end up with much candy though because I put a lot of it into our bowl to give away when we got home again. I kept a few things for Kris and I to eat and we let Meredith try a little as well.

Meredith is teething again. I thought she might cut the tooth on Halloween, but she didn’t. It looks really sore this time around. It’s quite swollen and red. Lots of nursing and a little bit of Gumomile seems to be keeping it tolerable for her this time though. She still has her teething necklace too. I think that combined with the traveling and having guests has made this month a little bit stressful for her, and at times very small things can make her very upset. I think it’s often a build up and the small thing that seems to have caused the problem is really more like the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.

Regardless, I adore the stage she is at right now. She is so much fun, and I just love everything about her. She loves to help out, and will help with laundry, dishes, putting things away, or any other little jobs we give her. She is picking up a lot of signs and has made up a couple more of her own, and her spoken vocabulary seems to be expanding as well. She definitely knows what “no” means, and though she’s never said it yet, she will shake her head or nod when we ask her questions. I love that I can ask her things and she can tell me the answer now. Sometimes there is still some guessing involved, but it makes it so much easier.

Anyway, I am going to try to update a little more often this month, even if it’s just short. It should be a slower month for us, though we will be helping a friend move at one point. I hope everyone out there who celebrates it had a great Halloween!

Posted on November 2nd, 2008 by AttachedMama
Filed under: Miscellaneous Rambling | 3 Comments »

One thing that video I posted in my last post got me thinking about again is praise. I think most people out there don’t even think there is any controversy or differing opinions on the use of praise. Praise is positive, and therefore must be a good thing, right? At the end of the video, he discusses not taking good things for granted and providing feedback when you appreciate something someone is doing.

Which I think is a great point, btw. Too often the good is taken for granted while the bad is nitpicked and nagged about. I called in to a “How’s my driving?” line once because the trucker I was calling about was great. The lady I talked to was pretty rude at first, and seemed annoyed. When she realized I was calling in to praise the driver, not criticize him, her entire demeanor changed. I have to wonder how often she actually got positive calls?

Anyway, the problem with praise, bribes, etc, is that even though they seem like positive things, they can still be conceived as manipulative. Alfie Kohn has a good article which explains some of the reasoning behind it. I recently finished reading his book Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason for the second time. I highly recommend this book to any parent. He backs up all his points with lots of data and research, and has such an interesting perspective. I don’t agree with everything he says, but there were other parts that really struck me. I was going to quote from it, but I could really quote most of the book, so I don’t think I will. It really is a great read though.

I’m on the fence about praise. I think genuine, honest praise and feedback is a good thing. While I want Meredith’s motivations to be intrinsic, I do want her to know that I appreciate her help or enjoy her art or whatever it is she’s interested in. Of course, I want her to know I love her and am proud of her no matter what.

But I do find some praise silly, and even degrading. And I notice so many parents saying “good job!” over and over again about every little thing their kids do. I like to try to find other ways of saying it. “Good job” implies that something else was a “bad job”. Like if a baby takes her first steps, and the parents exclaim “good job!”, does that when the child couldn’t walk it was bad? Of course it doesn’t, but how does it come across to the children to be praised like this? My mom said “Good poo!” to my daughter when she was four months old. Someone explain to me, what exactly makes a poo good or bad? I like to thank Meredith for helping or for, say, waiting for me when we’re out on a walk and there’s a busy road nearby, but I try to avoid falling into the trap of constant “good jobs.”

We do celebrate with her, especially when she is excited about something. We will sometimes cheer when she poops in the potty or figures something out she’d been struggling with. We take her cue a lot. If she doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal, it probably isn’t. But if she seems really proud of herself we want to acknowledge that too.

We also like to talk about things with her. Rather than saying “good job!” if she puts her toys away, we might thank her and say “it’s really helpful to me when you put your toys away” or something along those lines. Along the same lines, if she hits I might tell her that it hurts when she hits and give her an alternative (either stroking me, or hitting the couch). That way we’re not asking her to just take our word for it that that’s the way things are, or that she has to do things because we said so, but actually giving her a reason. I think doing this also has the benefit that if similar situations come up in the future she will be better equipped to process it and decide on a course of action.

On the other side is punishments. I found this great article by Jan Hunt: The Parenting Golden Rule. She brings up some good points about how there seems to be a double standard. What applies to an adult doesn’t necessarily (or even usually) seem to apply to children. The other day my mom told me that it was okay if Meredith cried, and it wouldn’t kill her. Well of course it won’t, and I am not under the impression that I can always prevent her from crying, but if an adult was crying somewhere, he or she would certainly expect anyone coming across them to try and find out what’s wrong and help them out. And yet, it’s okay to ignore a crying child just because he or she is smaller than us or can’t communicate what she needs?

For me, discipline isn’t a punishment and reward type of system. Discipline is such a loaded word in some circles, but really, it’s root comes from the word to teach, or to guide. I don’t think discipline needs to be conditional, coercive, or manipulative, it just normally is.

Posted on October 16th, 2008 by AttachedMama
Filed under: Consensual Living | 13 Comments »